A 41 year-old teacher from Poland died last night after peeing on a set of electrified train tracks. The unidentified victim was at a station in Vauxhall, South London when he decided to relieve himself outside because the station does not have any toilet facilities. He got zapped with 750 volts. He just HAD to be Polish.

Fish pedicures have become a hot trend in the Washington D.C. area. John Ho, who runs the Yvonne Hair and Nails salon, says he's given over 5,000 in the last year. A fish pedicure starts with a person dipping their feet in a tank where garra rufa fish swim up and bite off their dead skin cells. Ho believes his is the only salon in the country to offer the treatment, which costs $35 for 15 minutes and $50 for 30 minutes. Hmmm. Having fishies gnawing on your tooties usually means something has gone horribly wrong with your interaction with THE MOB! Oh, you’ll get a pedicure. And a shinicure. And a face-i-cure, and an eye ball-i-cure, a brain-i-cure…fuggetaboutit.

See you in He..ck,

Vinnie

Bootylicious: Londoner Graham Butterfield has gotten his butt insured for $2 million. The 54 year-old is an Official Bed Bouncer, whose job entails sitting on hundreds of mattresses to test out the quality of their fittings. Graham says, "It may sound silly, but my bottom is not like the normal bottom. I have increased sensitivity around the buttock area and can feel the difference in the materials used in beds. I am very proud to be the owner of a million dollar backside. I want to make it clear that my bottom's super-powers are quite natural. I have no need of a special care regime." Uuuuhhh, “My bottom’s super-powers”? We like ourselves, don’t we? It’s not like it can look through walls with X-Ray vision, or FLY, or climb up a wall. Stick to one, perhaps, when it’s time for a fresh pair of “Fruit-of-the-Looms.” Let’s see how much “super-powers” your bottom has IN PRISON! Now, it’s not worth 2 mill. Just 3 packs of smokes.  

Best wishes,

Andy Dufrane

R.I.P.: Eight year-old Reece Fleming recently tied the knot with his longtime friend, Elleanor Pursglove. The London third grader, who had Leukemia, told his parents his dying wish was to tie the knot before he died. Elleanor wore a wedding dress, while Reece wore his favorite shirt. His mother, Lorraine, says, "When we found out that we only had a few weeks with him we tried to do absolutely everything with him that we could. He and Elleanor had been good friends for years, and he always said he wanted to marry her. It was something he had his heart set on. He had asked her a few times, and she finally decided to accept. Their relationship was very strong. I had managed to hold myself together quite well, but when I saw her coming up the path with her bouquet I had to shed a little tear. You can't really describe in words what it was like. Reece and Elleanor were both very quiet, but there was a lot of feeling in the room." The youngsters exchanged vows and rings and were even given a marriage certificate. After the wedding, Reece laid down on a bed and said, “Mom, I can go now.” He died the next day.

Wow. What a story. I haven't actually teared up over the end of a story like that, since "Old Yeller." I mean, how could it be any better? Our hero gets to go to sleep as a happy groom, and never has to wake-up as her drunken, gamblin', no good fer nuthin' ol man, who her momma tol' her he wasn't good enough for. Hand me a "Kleenex."

A Hero: A fire was discovered around 4 o'clock at a three-story home in the 800-block of South Quincy Street on the city's east side. Investigators say 68-year-old Mary Taylor lives there with her two dogs.

"I got out of bed and went to the front window and could tell somebody was yelling, 'Fire!'" Curt Dworak said.

When he realized what was happening just a couple houses down from his own, he threw on some clothes and ran to his neighbor's aid.

"I was just hoping Mary wasn't in there, and her car was in the driveway so I knew she was, so I just reacted," he said. "I just busted the glass. It all started falling. I ripped the screen out and then went in the window."

Dworak yelled for Mary but got no response. As he searched, the fire grew and debris started falling around him.

"I didn't know what to do. I yelled for her a couple more times, and then I heard her."

Disoriented and incapacitated, Mary was sprawled out on the landing of a stairwell in the back of the house, so Dworak picked her up and carried her to safety.

While others call what Dworak did heroic, he says anyone would've done the same.

"They would've all done the same thing. Mary's a nice lady, and how could you live with yourself if you didn't do something like that?" Tell you what, Curt, there are an awful lot of folks today who would be asking themselves just that. “How am I going to live with myself?” And Mary gets to live. God bless…

The headline reads: Texans Prepare For Hurricane Dolly. There IS no preparing for the devastation from the Hurricane of Suck that is Jessica Simpson. She became a Category 9 Comical Storm at some LameFest in Spiderfart Wisconsin, getting booed as she tried to twang ‘er some Country & Western. WHY? She helps Tony Romo suck! Don’t boo her in Packerland! Heck, we should make her our official mascot. Jess has been worse for the Dallas Cowboys than “The Ice Bowl”!

Love,

Bart Starr

Dancin' Up A Storm: 80 year-old Tempest Storm may be the world's oldest stripper. She tells CNN she has no plans to retire. “I’m not ready to hang up my G-string, yet. I’ve got too many fans that would be disappointed.” During her 50-year career, Storm has danced for Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Mickey Rooney and Nat King Cole. Uhhhh, when all your clients are DEAD, it’s time to hang it up. I wasn’t aware “Depends” made a G-string. There are just some careers that just shouldn’t last 50 years. President of the United States, starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, (Sorry Brett,) and EXOTIC DANCER.